So it's official…

I'm becoming a wiener dog lady. Look… Ginger is thrilled.

I told the hanger a week ago today that if I wasn't the one… I wanted him to leave me alone. That I wasn't interested in being friends or "friends" as the case may be. Haven't heard from him since… zip… nothing… nada. 3-1/2 years. I don't hate the guy. He warned me from the start he was shallow but I thought he had hidden depths. Guess not.


So I've been doing my best to stay busy. Lots of knitting, my toe-up socks and some fetchings, nothing too mentally challenging. Cleaning my house.


Playing with my new toy. I needed a ball winder. I tend to end up at the LYS when ever I'm feeling despondent but this will get lots of use.

I am feeling despondent… it's a good word for a bad mood. I was happy being married (ignorant and blind yes… but damn it I was happy) and good at it too. Now it seems like something completely out of my reach. I am a good person, there is lots of love in my heart, I'm reasonably decent looking, collectively the girls at work have decided I'm only 35… so what's wrong?

You can tell a lot by how people treat service workers. We get these yuppy couples in the store. The guys are polite and the women are just mean. All the time at work I see hard, rude, nasty, women with nice guys… why do they have nice guys? So they can snap their fingers at them and see how high they jump? They are the girls who use to bully me mercilessly in junior high (& they probably all have nice guys too). Lots of nice women have nice guys too and there are lots of women in worse states than I could ever dream of but still… what is it?

My sister says I'm only getting back what I put out. According to her… I put out a looser vibe… that's comforting (that's probably not what she meant to say). I don't even know how you meet anyone anymore.

Yup…
Wiener dog lady.

It's like my Aunt Betty use to tell me… there are worse things than being alone.

How would you photograph a state of angst anyway?

So I finally got my drink in Saturday night at the Make 1 pub night. I had no excuse not to be there as they meet at the pub across the street form where I work. It was badly needed and very much enjoyed.

I was working a seven day stretch while our AM is away on holidays. I can see why my Manager gets so frustrated sometimes. I wanted to smack someone yesterday. What ever happened to a work ethic? The overwhelming attitude seems to be "I'm not paid enough to care." but honestly if that's the way you feel, there are lots of jobs, no one has to be there if they don't want to be. We are more than fairly compensated for what we do.

I compensated for my stressful couple of weeks (not just mine, the boy has been through hell too) with some shopping. Note to self… don't go to the yarn store when you're mad at the X… anger and shopping don't mix. I've been wanting to try some more complicated cables and find a good starter lace pattern and when I bought the Jitterbug Jay sock yarn, There was another Colinette yarn that caught my eye The Cadenza Easy Care in Moss. I love the rusty flecks in it and the soft green colour… everything about it really… so I am going to use it to make a pair of Alchemy Cabled Gauntlets. I also picked up the pattern for an Alchemy "Lace & Cable Scarf", there was one on display at the store and it was so lovely and looks not too daunting for someone who has never done lace. I'm going to make it in Art Yarns, Silk Rhapsody 139. On top of that, I joined the Make One Sock Club. I am justifying it by telling myself it's a great way to try a whole bunch of different sock yarns and get some new toe up sock patterns all at a reasonable price. Oy, so much for knitting from stash. I'm not being completely bad though… I've been using my stash up too. Making fetchings, knitting blanket squares (now that I found my lost knitting bag), I could start another sweater as well. When I'm stressed out and cranky at the world all I want to do is shut my self away and knit. For years I use to shut my self away and read. When I was a kid, I would shut my self away and play the piano… really, really badly or draw. Basically, I just want to shut my self away… a natural recluse personality… maybe I should become a wiener dog lady… surely Ginger wouldn't mind.

Oh and I figured since… you know… my life is going to hell in a hand basket anyway… I'd tell the Hanger to get off the fence. We had that little talk last night. He seemed genuinely flabbergasted (God I love that word). He kept saying "but you're the one who's not ready". My sister told me that the reason he wouldn't commit to me was because I wouldn't commit to him. You get what you give and all that. She might have had something there. I'm prepared for him to walk away, if he does, than that's what's meant to be. If he doesn't… well… I'll deal with that when it happens.

Anyway, no photos… not in the mood… and how would you photograph a state of angst anyway?

No Gory Details…

But I need to say this just to have it said. I really can not count the ways in which I hate my X husband. I try to be nice and I try to be polite but he is a bully and a put down artist. No matter how far I've come, he can still find the exact right words to make me feel like crap. There it's off my chest… nuf said. I need a drink.

Feeling Blue…

Actually, I'm not feeling blue, at the moment I'm feeling relieved.

But on Monday, when I was feeling blue and had my lovely test lurking… went to the yarn store… fell off the KFS wagon BAD but it was worth it. It was hard not to yield to temptation. Make 1 had not only new Malabrigo but Colinette Jitterbug sock yarn (can Malabrigo be my exception to KFS?). Jitterbug is knit it on slightly larger needles which gives me hope. I purchased a sweater's worth of Malabrigo in "Tuareg", a ladies top down cardigan perhaps? and one lovely skein of Jitterbug 85 "Jay". These are both blue and can you see how intense the colours are? Who could possibly resist? I've added in my first fetching just to add to the blue theme.

My gorgeous new blue and chocolate brown bra (please excuse the cheap cleavage shot) and a blue top that I'm loving. All I need now is some blues on my iTunes and I'm all set.

Are Fetchings addictive or what? Talk about the cure for Fast Finished Objects.

Anyway, back to the test. It went, the tech was great, her initial comment was to the effect of "Well at your age everything starts going to hell in a hand basket… it's just a question of what goes first." She was also hilarious about the "probe" she was using to take pictures. "It's not as bad as it looks, trust me, if it went all the way in… I'd be taking pictures of your thyroid." It was obvious she found something "of interest". The call back was today and confirmed exactly what my Dr. thought was going on… I have some fibroids. The really great news is I don't have to have surgery, yet. I do have to go on a fairly strong birth control, take anti-inflamatories and monitor the situation but big deal. I feel like a dork getting worked up over nothing but January was pretty scary and as a natural born worrier… I was doing what comes naturally.

And now it's my FUN weekend. The roads suck but I've been catching up on pod-casts. Lime & Violet is great for a laugh. Wacky fun. Lime & Violet are hilarious but I have to say Sticks and String is still my favourite pod-cast. May be it's David Reidy's gorgeous Australian accent I can't resist. Or the opening strains of Bach but I love that show! Going out with the kids at work tomorrow night. Tonight is movie night at Make 1. That could be fun!

I am currently reading "A Complicated Kindness"by Miriam Toews. So far it's very good! It was a 2004 Governor General Award Winner and Giller Prize Finalist. "Darkly Funny" is the description that comes to mind. I think you would need to have a pretty dark side to enjoy this book.

Poetry

A couple of days late but…

My Contribution to the Second Annual Brigid in Cyberspace Poetry Reading… Nana in this poem is my Aunt Betty. Enjoy.

Survival of Small Things

In the bug-heavy heat
of summer my family moves
to Nana's house:
by the lake, secure
in the concave of its own valley,
ringed with willow

Sun and shadow move
over each other here
like playmates,
smooth leaves
coupling in the wind.

Under the blue overhang of branch
on water, the quiet collects
tiny black whales.
My hands push mason jars
through water
to gather a tadpole mass.

Across from me my brother,
belly down on the diving board.
The smell of wet bread
he uses to catch minnows
for Bingo, Nana's grey cat.
The crack of snapping spines
over hot concrete.

Inside the peeling orange
of the house at Jade Bay,
we keep a rooster.
Past the drapings of Nana's wool.
violet, indigo , rose.
Past the ammonia-soaked air
of home made dyes,
next to the furnace.

Injured by mink, the rooster
cowers in a cardboard box.
Our mother shows us how to feed.
Never by hand.

At night the crickets send the air
cooling with their song,
Tucked into the cotton
of Nana's bed I dream
the survival of small things;
jarred whales, one legged rooster,
quick flashes of light
escaping the net.

--Samara Brock, 1999

If you can't say anything nice…

So I try not to talk about my X although I have done… here for instance because A: I have no interest in playing the role of bitter X wife and B: If you can't say anything nice… but honestly. I booked my four day weekend off… my "FUN" weekend to coincide with my X coming in from Ontario. Our son was to spend Feb. 8-13 staying at his Grandma's with his Dad. Yesterday, X phones and informs me he's changed his plans. Now our son will only be spending the nights of the 9th and 10th with his Dad. It's like this past Summer when the month originally discussed got changed to three weeks, then two. Or last Summer when three weeks ended up being 10 days. I love my son, but I was SO looking forward to some time alone. To just be and not be responsible to anyone for a few days. Is that too much to ask? What is wrong with that man?!! OK end of rant. I still want to have F.U.N. Fun… but it'll have to be compressed into two days.


I am late to the party but I am working on some Fetchings for my sisters (I have four… sisters that is… two of them have birthdays coming up). The cables are much easier than I thought they would be. I had a couple of false starts but now they are coming along fine. Rowan Cashsoft Aran is lovely to work with. A sale purchase from before Christmas.

I got to meet the Hanger's Dad last week, twice. Not quite sure what to make of that. Nice guy.

Speaking of birthdays, the boy is 13! An official teenager. I took him to our favourite fish restaurant to celebrate. I think the boy was a maritimer in another life, or may be it's all that Scottish blood in his gene pool but he's never met a fish he didn't like, he'll eat mussels, oysters, sushi anything. We started with crab-cakes and popcorn shrimp. He had calamari for his main meal, I had cod 'n chips. we split some ice-cream for dessert. Even with a couple of glasses of wine for me, it was under $45 and mmmm it was good!


Today, he's having a few buds over to go tobogganing.It's the perfect day for it!

I finished a wonderful book recently "The Birth House" by Ami McKay. Its central theme is the role of midwives in Rural Nova Scotia during the first world war. Check it out.